Communication
Tips for Unaccompanied Tours
By
Margaret
Communicating
during a UT can sometimes be a challenge. Uncontrollable factors such as
time differences, work and other commitments that require time and attention,
and power outages (just to name a few) can really impact our ability to
communicate with our loved ones serving abroad. Because communication is
important and sometimes limited, we must make sure that we make every second
count when we do get the opportunity to communicate. The following are some
tips for communicating during a UT:
1.
Keeping it in perspective. Understand that what may seem
urgent to you back here on the home front may not seem as urgent to your loved
one who is serving on a UT. Therefore, if you share an issue with your
loved one and do not receive a response that you like, don’t take it personally.
Nine times out of ten, your spouse may be dealing with issues that are far more
urgent than those that are going on at home.
However, rest assured that this does not mean that he/she is not
concerned about your issue. Keep things
in perspective, and don’t waste valuable time on the phone, Skype, etc.
complaining about issues that are really out of your spouse’s control. Instead, value the time that you have to
communicate with one another, and try to focus on the positive.
2.
Keep it creative.
Oftentimes, long distance communication with your loved one can become
routine, boring, and limited. While modern technology has made it easy to
communicate with our loved ones who are away, sometimes it may be worthwhile to
revert back to “snail mail” for a change.
Instead of using the telephone or Skype, try writing a love letter to
your spouse. Can you imagine how happy he/she will be to receive a thoughtful,
hand-written love letter? If writing is not your thing, simply send a care
package with items that communicate “I love you” such as a CD with a mixture of
love songs, a book of poems, or a collage of pictures that illustrate “love.”
3.
Keep FLO/UT in mind in times of
uncertainty. Uncontrollable factors such as power outages,
civil unrest, and long work hours may sometimes make it impossible for your
loved one serving on a UT to communicate with you. If you have not heard from your loved one
and are concerned about whether or not he/she is okay, please do not hesitate
to contact FLO/UT with your concerns. We
are here for you!
I completely agree with Anonymous up there. When my hubby was in Iraq for a year we needed our partnership, and everything that makes it awesome, even more. It was important for our kids, for our family, and for our relationship. Him removing himself, essentially, from day to day things would have been tough on all of us for a lot of reasons. What the kids and I were dealing with "on the home front" was every bit as urgent as what he was dealing with in Iraq, at least to our lives. With the exception of the times when he was unreachable, he was available 24/7, even for things that might be considered minor to folks outside of our family. This not only helped us, it helped him feel like he wasn't missing out on a year of our lives. And it helped our kids understand that dad had a job to do but they were still the priority. As for creative ways of keeping in touch we found texting was a great one! I remember sitting in the park with my coffee on a lovely, sunny day, thinking about how much I missed my hubby and I sent him this text: "Cause I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride!" less than a minute later I got back "I'm wanted, WAAAAANTED! Dead or ALIVE!" Little things like that help us stay connected, and I still smile when I think of it!
ReplyDeleteThe following is the "anonymous comment":
DeletePlease consider revamping this advice for an FS UT. With regard to #1, I cannot tell you what poor advice that is or how it makes FS spouses look...as though we don't know how to communicate with our spouses overseas? Our matters on the homefront are just as important and that tip is downright insulting.
Please, ask those of us who have been there/done that what we would do and post that...it would be much more usefulPlease consider revamping this advice for an FS UT. With regard to #1, I cannot tell you what poor advice that is or how it makes FS spouses look...as though we don't know how to communicate with our spouses overseas? Our matters on the homefront are just as important and that tip is downright insulting.
Please, ask those of us who have been there/done that what we would do and post that...it would be much more useful.
There was a comment by Anonymous that was spot on and appears to have been deleted. I have to say I agree 100% with that person. This is a partnership, not something you go into lightly and matters on the Homefront are EQUALLY important. To say they are not is to do a huge disservice to both sides of the equation. I know many UT spouses would be happy to help with advice that worked for us and that will keep families in touch and happy. A lack of communication or one person feeling lesser than another is never a good thing....
ReplyDeleteWhere did the anonymous statement go? I just read it as well and now it's gone?
ReplyDeleteMy husband did a UT in 2010-2011, and had we followed most of this advice, we never would have made it through the experience. I was actually embarrassed reading this - it seems to be straight out of a 1960's handbook on how wives should please their husbands.
ReplyDelete"Nine times out of ten your spouse may be dealing with issues that are far more urgent than the ones that are going on at home". Shame on you. You write this as if the spouse left at home has no idea that what their spouse is doing is important or urgent (trust me, we do). Also, by stating this, you minimize the home life for which the UT spouse is working so hard overseas to protect. And in the same breath, you imply that the home spouse has a lesser value.
Do my concerns not matter? Of course they do. Did I know that there were times that were inappropriate to discuss them with my husband? Of course I did. I'd wait until I knew my husband had some time to talk, and bring up an issue that I wanted us to discuss - it wasn't always a life-altering issue, but it was one that affected the whole family in some way.
Maybe What you should have written was: It's important to talk to each other and to keep both spouses in the loop about what is going on at home. You might need to ask directly: "Hey, I'd like to talk with you sometime soon about how our kiddo is doing at school. Is today good or do you want to wait until tomorrow?" Because while these issues aren't world-important-someone's-gonnna-die discussions, they ARE important and it's equally important to include the overseas spouse. Otherwise he/she comes home to a life where he/she was completely voiceless over the past year. Or worse yet, the issue gets ignored and gets worse and worse until it's too late for both spouses to calmly discuss the issues.
Another point above you write: "Keep things in perspective, and don’t waste valuable time on the phone, Skype, etc. complaining about issues that are really out of your spouse’s control. Instead, value the time that you have to communicate with one another, and try to focus on the positive."
I can't believe you advocate this as ways to communicate. You are effectively setting up the spouse at home for failure. Complete failure, withdraw, even depression. As if the home spouse needs to walk on egg shells when talking to the overseas spouse. "Oh honey my day was fine." When reall that may not be the case AT ALL. Communication is about TALKING about feelings, worries, love, anger, hopes, dreams. Not dumping some sort of robot conversation on your spouse who's doing a UT. You are advocating a year of NON-COMMUNICATION. Lies, white lies, withheld information. And you demean those who work so hard at home to keep things together while a spouse is overseas.
I think probably you had someone write this who has never experienced a UT, and that is unfortunate because there are many, many of us you could have asked to have written this.
Of all the 'advice' you gave, the most important you left out:
Communication during a UT is HARD and you have to work at it. Some conversations may be difficult and it's important for you and your spouse to talk about expectations and to lay ground-rules. No matter what, you need to talk to your spouse and figure out what you both expect to get out of this UT. A year is a long time for a loved-one to be away and to come back not feeling like he/she is part of the family. You both need to decide what is important to discuss, and continue to communicate to help each other through this UT. What works for one family may not work for another.
FLO/UT please remember the group out here you represent and work so hard for. We are always wiling to give your our perspective about what worked or didn't work for us during a UT. We also realize that what works for some of us didn't work for others. But please do not make trivial comments and write pieces like this for those who are looking for real advice.
I've been thinking about this advice a lot and I think what bothers me the most is the sense that what I am dealing with at home is not as important because it might not be urgent. First, what is urgent isn't always important and vice versa. We confuse urgency with importance often in the Department and what is urgent now (PDAS needs your clearance on that BCL stat!) may not be important for long. How many BCLs are read after the trip is over? But what is important (your 16 year old daughter is going on her first date and your spouse is missing it) may be important for a long, long time. (Believe me. 16 year old girls have very long memories.)
ReplyDeleteWhat we are doing at home is every bit as important as what our spouse is doing overseas. Both are serving our country--one by working away and one by keeping things going at home. Encouraging superficially upbeat communication and suggesting that we shield our spouses from the realities of life without them sells both the employee and the spouse short.
In my own case, home-life and all the bickering and whining and laughing and telling of stories that goes with it is a respite and a comfort to my spouse. We Skype every night and he makes it his first priority. He wants to be included in the little things as well as the big because it makes him feel less far away and like he's still a part of home. Last night, he settled an argument about homework and looked at an art project and thoughtfully and lovingly listened to my complaints about the horrors of tandem bidding. I need his support every bit as much as he needs mine and it is makes me sad to think that the FLO is advocating a less rich and more superficial relationship with the above advice.
Just my two cents.
My response to this post:
ReplyDeletehttp://wellthatwasdifferent.wordpress.com/2012/10/07/state-is-wearing-those-mad-men-goggles-again/
Keeping it in perspective: I take offence that you don't think we already face a lot of these situations on a regular basis, whether our spouses are on TDY or at post, not just on UT. I know full well he can't always talk or handle the at-home problems, or he might not come home one night if there's an emergency. As FS spouses, we already keep our lives in perspective and we are not suddenly going to shut down because of a UT. Give us a little credit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, do you think our spouses are not going to want to call us and vent about their stressful times? The good and the bad parts of communication work both ways. I will be supportive when he's having a bad day and he'll do the same for me.
I know he's going to want to be as active as possible in our daughter's life. It already pains him when he's gone for TDY and he's going to be missing so much more during the UT. He doesn't want to come home to a daughter that he doesn't know anymore. We will be putting together care packages and letters, for sure, but they are not a replacement for real-time conversations on Skype. To a three-year-old, certain issues are going to be more urgent than anything else going on in the world. The times that he truly can't talk are going to be disappointing enough without restricting their talk time further.