Facing the holidays during or after a divorce can be challenging. FLO provides guidance and support in the area of divorce. Email FLOAskSupportServices@state.gov with your questions and to request a copy of, "10 Ways to Survive the Holidays & Divorce," and "Helping Children of Divorce through the Holidays."

Also, check out our Divorce webpage for the Divorce and the Foreign Service guide, a list of FAQs, resources, and more.www.state.gov/m/dghr/flo/c23129.htm

Register at http://www.fsyf.org/event-2714878 or at www.fsyf.org.

To be resilient, focus on what you control

Published by Beth Payne, republished in Foggy Bottom Rambles

Director of the Center of Excellence in Foreign Affairs Resilience

One of my favorite active problem solving skills is staying within my Sphere of Control. By identifying whether we can control or influence an outcome and choosing not to spend energy or time on items outside of our control, we are more resilient even when negative events occur.

According to author Massimo Pigluicci, philosophers have written about the connection between control and happiness for thousands of years. Stoic philosopher Epictetus argued that “in life our first job is this, to divide and distinguish things into two categories: externals I cannot control, but the choices I make with regard to them I do control. Where will I find good and bad? In me, in my choices.” American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote the Serenity Prayer around 1934, asking that “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Pigliucci tells the story of James Stockdale, a fighter-jet pilot during the Vietnam War, who was shot down and spent seven and a half years in Hoa Lo prison, where he was tortured and often put in isolation. Stockdale credits Epictetus for surviving the ordeal by immediately applying Epictetus’s dichotomy of control to his extreme situation as a captive, which not only saved his life, but also allowed him to coordinate the resistance from inside the prison. Most of us don’t find ourselves in Stockdale’s predicament, but once you begin paying attention, the dichotomy of control has countless applications to everyday life, and all of them have to do with one crucial move: shifting our goals from external outcomes to internal achievements.

Pigliucci stresses that this does not mean we should passively accept whatever happens. Instead, we should recognize that things don’t always go the way we wish. If they don’t, the best counsel is to pick up the pieces, attempt to understand what is really in our sphere of control, and then move forward. It is unhelpful and unproductive to “stay stuck” at trying to influence what is often beyond our control. Do we want to win that tennis match? It is outside of our control. But to play the best game we can is under our control. Do we want our partner to love us? It is outside of our control. But there are plenty of ways we can choose to show our love to our partner – and that is under our control. Do we want to get promoted? It is outside of our control. But we do control whether we do the best work we can and make the best possible case for promotion.

How do you stay within your sphere of control?

FSYF Fall 2017 Youth Newsletter Amazing Where You Are The Fall 2017 issue of the Foreign Service Youth Foundation’s (FSYF) youth newsletter Here, There & Everywhere is available to read on the FSYF website. Foreign Service youth tell about their experiences living overseas and the adventures of returning home. For parents there are road trip tips and resources for getting to know the community after transitioning back to the U.S. To learn more about FSYF and to become a member, go to FSYF.org.